Name: Graeme Smith

Years at club: 27

Role: Likes any sort of rolls. But generally known as third-team slogger and captain, but really should be playing higher although umpiring (of which he is top class) prevents this.

Nicknames: The fat nowt, Chubs, Phil Mitchell, Spiff, TFN, Chooby, Spliff, insect arm.

Favourite sayings: "Yeah alright", "Nice one", "What's your problem - you can't tell me can you?", "Mmmmmm", "He didn't mean to shoot me", "The lawyer in me says", "My sperm tastes of steak and onions", "That stinks", "Arrrrrm", "It was f***ing lovely", "She'll do", "Why won't you come, what's wrong with you?" and "Alan, I'm not interested".

Best known for: Playing the Devil's advocate. If you are going to shoot someone at random, choose Spiff. He's most likely to forgive you and blame himself for being an easy target. Getting his knob out when 'drunk walking'. Shouting at his cock. Also watch out when he starts blinking slowly after pints 10 to 15 kick in. Rubs his chin when thinking. Once didn't go to Uni for a full term AND didn't do his final-year thesis, and still passed.

Heroes: Frankie Smith, Norm from Cheers, Eddie Hitler (from Bottom).


What can you say about Spiff (which can be repeated on a family board)? I first met Spiff when he was a national health-bespectacled stick insect. He returned form University three years later with contact lenses, black spiky hair, about six stone extra and a trench coat. And he still hadn't lost his cherry.
After some expert coaching from yours truly, Spiff finally broke his duck with a woman at least in her 50s and in that wild moment of passion got "confused" and stuck his finger up her tradesmans entrance by mistake.
Hasn't had the best of luck with women (I'm Mr Kettle by the way) and his latest experience could well have landed him on the Jeremy Kyle show or my favourite, Jerry Springer (can still be arranged if you're up for it Spiff).
One of the nicest blokes you are ever likely to meet, has been a super opening bat down the years and is a real clubman.
Spiff was the man who ran a bye in a cup tie, only to be told by umpire Les "what time's me bus yem" Goodrum, that he hadn't played a shot and it was a dead ball.
One of his best cricketing moments was continually slogging David Alsop over the leg side when he made a big fish appearance for the seconds. The sight of Olly pulling his hair out was beautiful.

But enough of that shit.

Get Spiff drunk and you are likely to end up pissing yourself (which will at least match Spiff's exploits).
Has the messiest house in the Collieries (BBC series Life of Grime refused to touch it) and has socks walk to the ground behind him.
There are a million stories about Spiff.
He once berated his cock for not working properly after a heavy drinking session, went hunting for leftover food (or minesweeping as he calls it), brought a Mastermind chair into his room and banged his head off a bedboard 12 times - and that was all on a trip to watch Pools.
Loves eating lasagne with his paws and wandering round with a hard on in his sleep, scaring all and sundry.
Don't try and reason with him when he starts blinking slowly - he's flipped by then and you are wasting your time.
Once ate a Brussell sprout whole to make him stink more - don't ever use the toilet after him.

Dickie.